Tuesday, September 25, 2007


I had a letter to mail yesterday, but when I started out the door, only one of my sandals was by the door. Rather than go upstairs to get the other one (don't ask), I figured for some reason to just go to the mailbox wearing just one sandal (again, don't ask....was just one of those things).
After a bit of walking on the sharp gravel, I was beginning to think this wasn't a very good idea. Then it occured to me....this walk was like life. One step was comfortable, the next painful....but if I kept going one foot ahead of the other, accepting that there was going to be a sharp discomfort between the easy step, I would eventually reach my destination at the mailbox.
The driveway seemed a bit longer than I had figured on....but at one point I was able to take a bit of a break by walking on the mossy side of the path. Maybe that is like those really happy times in life.....beginning a new relationship, a wonderful vacation, or a happy occasion....but then it is accepted that I would soon be back on the sharp rocks, just keeping one foot going ahead of the other. I appreciated the comfort of my Ariat sandal when I stepped on my right foot, and was prepared for the sharp rocks when it was time to step on my left foot.
I thought of how this has been like my life....I have had times of complete joy, others of devastating sadness. There have been times when I considered suicide, as I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was in a marriage that I thought I had no way out, money issues were too overwhelming, or I was depressed at a long, dark winter and experienced SAD. I think we have all walked with just one sandal....we accept the bad times because we know they are temporary. And if we quit walking when we stepped on the sharp stones, we would not know the relief and comfort of walking in the soft sandal. Life is not supposed to be always calm....but when the going gets rough, we have to hang on, knowing that there are wonderful times ahead.
My kids kept me from doing the action that I planned out so carefully....the music I would have playing in the car in the garage, what I would wear, the note I would leave, etc. I just didn't want them to have to deal with their mother's suicide and their wondering what they could have done, and their growing up without a mother. I have made some good and bad choices in my life, but at least I didn't choose suicide when it seemed my only option.
So as the dark days of winter approaches, and the Sunlight Affective Disorder sets in, I hope you remember my walk to the mailbox with just one shoe. Keep on walking....one step at a time....

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